As a disability rights advocate I am accustomed to controversy and challenging people’s perceptions and beliefs about disability. However I was speechless recently when a waitress within the first 2 minutes of serving us used the “R” word twice.

  I ordered a margarita on the rock and my sister ordered coffee. The waitress returned a few minutes to apologize that our drinks were taking so long. She said “I am sorry, I am really not retarded but I put your margarita order in wrong and I did not forget your coffee I put on a new pot so it will be a few minutes” I was caught so off guard! My sister almost had to pick my chin off the table. Then it got worst, she repeated it. “I really am not retarded its just gonna take a few more minutes.” I was aghast!

  After composing myself, I wondered what was I going to do about the comment? Is it my place or right to say something to the waitress? Should and how do I turn this into a teachable moment?

  Its no surprise my sister and I spent the next hour talking about what to do. After all, doing nothing was not an option!

  Being the blackberry junkie I am, I posted the interaction on facebook and asked my friends what they would do. The responds ran the full spectrum:

-Give the waitress the finger.

-Don’t leave a tip and write a note telling her why.

-Tell her about how offended I was and why.

-Don’t say anything, just let it go.

-Wait till after the meal, pay the bill give her a big tip and take a few minutes and explain how her language offended me and why. Give her the benefit of my concern.

Here is what happened:

 We decided to engage the waitress in conversation when we could. My sister paid the bill and left the tipping to me. She also bolted out of the restaurant (chicken!!) I called the waitress over and asked her to sit with me for a minute. She obliged. I told her what a great meal we had and that her service was wonderful. I then handed her my business card. I went on and said, “I am a disability rights advocate and part of my work is to raise awareness about disability issues.” She listen attentively. “I am not sure you were aware that within the first few minutes of serving us you used the word “retarded”. The word is offensive. It is demeaning to people with disabilities.”

We learned that she was 40, single and in a long-term relationship. She was new to the area and loved her job. She was very nice. She appeared very good at her job; attentive to her customers.

 My sister and I ended up having have a wonderful meal.

She was very receptive. She said she was referring to herself as retarded and did not mean to offend anyone. I told her that is exactly the point. She was using the word to minimize people with intellectual disabilities by equating her behavior of getting our drink order wrong as behavior consistent with a person that is “retarded”.

You could see that was an “ah ha” moment for her. She was great. She shared with me that she has people in her extended family with both mental and physical disabilities and would never want to minimize them. She thanked me for taking the time in a private, one on one way to raise her awareness.

I handed her the paid bill with a larger then normal tip. She thanked me again. She was very sincere.

Now this was not an easy thing to do and in fact even with all my experience, I was nervous. I got lucky in that the waitress was receptive and willing to listen. It could have very easily turned out differently. Here are some of the lessons I learned through this experience:

-Assume good intent. People are not being malicious, they may be unaware.
-Outrage in and of itself does not result in change. I needed to do something. Action is necessary to result in change.
-In doing something, it’s important to assess the situation. I needed to figure out how the message was going to be best received.
-That education is so important and to take advantage of the moments that present themselves.

Therefore, As a result of this experience and lessons, I am going to create a one page handout on why the “R” word is hurtful and offensive and give suggestion on how to talk about the issue. (Stay tuned I will post it here)

In the mean time here is a link to an article I wrote in December 2007 about the “R” word.  

Additionally this is the link to a web site dedicated to ending the use of the “R” word. http://therword.org. Take a look and consider signing the pledge to stop using the word.

Lets all take the moments that are presented and change one heart and mind at a time. 

Bernie Franks-Ongoy
Executive Director, Disability Rights Montana

This American Life featured the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) on an episode originally aired on September 24th, 2010. More specifically, the portion on the ADA surrounded the topic of accessibility and one state’s laws that allow for people to file lawsuits against business, not only to have a business fix the accessibility problem, but also requiring the business to pay the individual up to $4000.

The state of California may be one of the most accessible states, but is it because of this fear of lawsuits? Is it worth it? Should individuals be able to hunt for access deficiencies for a living? What does this do to the way people who use wheelchairs are looked at? When a person in a wheelchair enters a business does he or she want the first thought of that business to be, “Are they going to sue me?” Listen to the broadcast by clicking play on the player above and let us know what you think on our facebook discussion board (a facebook account is needed to participate in the discussion).

MYLF (pronounced “my life”) is a unique career and leadership training program for high school sophomores, juniors, and seniors with disabilities. By serving as delegates from their communities at a 5-day intensive training, youth with disabilities will cultivate leadership, citizenship, and social skills.

Delegates gain access to vital resources related to assistive technology, community support, and self-advocacy. Successful men and women with disabilities serve as role models in helping youth realize their abilities and obligations to pursue meaningful employment and contribute to society. This educational and motivational forum involves an intense schedule. Throughout the training, small “working groups” explore personal leadership and career plans. The key to the MYLF is leadership by example. Adults with disabilities who have traveled the same path these young people are facing serve as faculty and staff. Many other volunteers, some with disabilities and some without, help to make the program a success.  Delegates will have a one-year follow along upon completion of the program.

Click here to find out more about the recruitment process and to apply for a delegate or staff position at MYLF 2011!

MYLF does a great deal of fundraising throughout the year in order to provide this curriculum to delegates free of charge. Click here to support this program!

Bernadette Franks-Ongoy, Executive Director

A year ago my older brother George moved to Montana. I asked him to come. I wanted him in my life. I wanted my children’s lives to be enriched by having their uncle around. We are an “ohana”, meaning family in Hawaiian.

George is a great guy. He has a tremendous faith and a very kind heart. He also lives with a psychiatric disability and epilepsy which at times can be challenging.

George wants to live a fully engaged life in the community. I want him to live along side me in our community. For that to happen George needs more than just his family’s love and support. He needs community support.

I have watched in utter amazement his transition from Hawaii to Montana.  Going from primarily 80 degree sun shining weather to -10 degrees and learning to walk on icy sidewalks; going from a 100% fully accessible island-wide, 24-hour transportation system to our local 7:30 AM to 5:00 PM week-day-only HATS system. And watching his excitement as he goes from knowing every variety of tropical bird in Hawaii to discovering a whole new set of birds here in Montana.

With George here I am also now in the position of navigating through Medicaid and Medicare, SSI and SSDI payments, section 8 housing, obtaining his medication, community service providers, and doctors. Some of the process has gone smoothly. George is living at Eagle Manor.  He has his own apartment and is the king of his house! He loves it. The people at Eagle Manor; Patsy, Carla and Karen to name a few, are fantastic! They have a ‘can do’ attitude, always looking to make it work for George.

There has, and continues to be, major hurdles to making this a successful transition, and frankly, the hurdles have invigorated my commitment to people with disabilities and their civil rights. The most infuriating and humiliating hurdle has been to “sell or shop” George to providers. I have to package him up and be careful not to expose too much, too soon. Otherwise providers will not want to serve him based on their own insecurities and fears.  To the first mental health provider, I shared every bit of George’s history, both successes and challenges. All they heard were the challenges and said no, we cannot serve him.

To the second provider, I was honest but selective with information. I am now having to almost beg that they not bail on George and pray that they see him as valuable and worthy.

I am very angry with our system.

Our system of care and supports is fundamentally flawed and oppressive to people with disabilities and their family members if we need to depend on how well we beg or how much we pray. I am a very big believer in prayer and humility, but begging…I don’t think so.

I am a lawyer by trade and understand liability. I don’t understand or accept however the premise of having to prove or earn rights. George and all people living with a disability have the same rights as everyone else. I didn’t have to go through some approval process before I was granted the right to choose where I live. I did not have to submit an application in order to earn my liberty. And, God forbid, I do not have to ask permission to watch TV.

We all need to live within the rules of society and if we break the rules we bear the consequences. And if our human services and legal systems work well, then proper accountability follows. But, if the fear of liability without justification is the guiding light for our service delivery system then we have lost our way.

Life has not necessarily been easy this past year, but has been enriched because of George. I am also fully engaged in the work I love. Thanks, George!

Anonymous asked: I am disabled with fibromyalgia, a very painful condition. I have managed to keep my rural property. I have a major issue. Weeds. I have noxious weeds. Due to my condition I cannot use chemical sprays. Chemicals cause an increase in my problems. I have been working with the Flathead county weed board and last year we came up with a plan to use the knapweed bugs.

It’s great to see our counties helping people with disabilities with reasonable accommodations. Did you have success with the knapweed bugs? If the outcome was positive, we are interested in knowing more so we can help and pass this information along to other people who may have similar situations. To contact us click here.